Ame Corthos

The Legend of Ame Corthos, as handed down by my father, and his father before him, and his father before him.

In turn of the century America, there was a secret war between the Edison and Tesla factions in what is known as the Third Steampunk Wars. At the pinnacle of their battle, the Tesla Death Ray was pitted against an Edison Currentification Gun. Their fatal error was realized too late, when they crossed the streams, despite Egon's warnings.

Crossing the streams created a Einstein-Rosen bridge through time and space, which has plot convenient connotations as the effects are not geographically stuck on a 1:1 ratio at points in space-time.

Ame Corthos was a legendary figure in European history. It is said that his actions alone could have determined the outcome of the Battle of Hastings. Unfortunately Ame Corthos derped his way into the wrong end of the Einstein-Rosen bridge created when Edison and Tesla crossed the streams, transporting him through time.

A very confused Ame Corthos stabbed everything in sight, killing both Edison and Tesla. The scientists were replaced with body doubles and eventually their real deaths were given cover stories many years later.

A little known fact is that one person is outside of his time and space, he cannot age, for his time has come and gone, and so can no longer touch him.

Ame Corthos eventually adapted to his new surroundings. He became a drifter, wandering around the country, solving problems with his hands. Like the tv show Kung Fu, only completely original. And with a white guy. (*cough*)

There was also some Nazi punching, and some hippy Jesus type stuff in there, a gas shortage, and eventually the rise of the internet. Ame also took up an advanced form of pillow fighting using foam and fiberglass rods, for he longed for the life of battle he knew so many hundreds of years ago.

Ame Corthos eventually became a very polarized character. He was defined by his great love for quality font, and his hate for hipster scum.

Using the power of social media, every year, the great mythical figure of Ame Corthos performs a Santa Claus like act and gives us a gift. He sits in front of his computer for three days, the first full weekend of July, and consumes unknown quantities of peanut butter that is of a most quesitonable nature.

During this three day period, Ame Corthos allows all the kids, both naughty and nice, to poke him. Filling him with uncontainable derp rage, he channels all the pokes into hipster smashing powers. He is basically a savior-like figure, as he absolves people of having blood on their hands by getting it on his own.

And that children is why, we the people of the internet, Poke the living crap out of Ame Corthos.

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